Here's an embarrassing confession: I keep making these terrible videos of myself performing acoustic guitar covers of Feist's "Mushaboom" and Josh Rouse's "Sweetie." I put on makeup, brush my hair, get out the digital camera, find some sort of surface to place it on, tune my guitar, check the framing of the camera, press "play," and go for it.
Then I watch the videos, wince as I hear how terribly flat I am, and say to the dog, "I really wish I could sing." Or play the guitar, for that matter.
It may be the height of narcissism.
I sound as though I'm laboring over every note. And even if I sang the song flawlessly right before pressing "play" (which, honestly, is not likely), that camera staring at me with all the eyes of the people who may potentially view the video makes my voice shake.
I've had stage fright ever since I was very little. For some reason, however, I was always doing solos at my not-so-small Baptist church growing up. Christmas pageants, Summer Week of Choir performances, Children's Choir extravaganzas. My mother encouraged it, and all the congratulations I received after it was over usually made the experience worthwhile. Which is to say that my little girl ego swelled to its current unjust proportions regarding any sort of singing ability I (don't) have.
The most recent performance was for a Vespers service. I was probably fourteen or so, and I wanted to sing the first verse of "All Is Well" because I adored the song so much. However, I spilled Communion grape juice all over my dress just before I was to sing (damn those tiny, plastic individual-serving-of-Christ's-blood evangelical church cups). I had been sitting in the front row prepared to take the stage at my cue, but, in retrospect, a better preparation would've been to NOT TAKE COMMUNION. I suppose that sort of thing couldn't've been predicted, though. I ran to the bathroom and tried to clean myself up as best I could, then I got to the stage just as the song was starting, and, out of breath and completely mortified, I struggled through.
I haven't performed publicly since.
But the drive is still somewhere inside of me. My shaking voice isn't so charming anymore now that I'm a grown-up and all, and my vocal chords feel underdeveloped. I can carry a tune (barely) but not much else. But I love music, and even if I never sing for anyone ever again, I will keep singing for myself. And I'll keep making those videos in the meantime in the vain hope that my voice manages to magically iron itself out.
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